It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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