My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
