it wasn't lemon gatorade
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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