my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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