After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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