i just sent this text using only my big toe
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
