I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
