If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
