I think im going to throw up on grandma
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
