Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
