Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
