i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
