I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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