She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize