I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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