pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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