He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
