i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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