My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
