Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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