I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
