My room smells like vodka and shame
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
