How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
