There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
