hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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