I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
