Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
