I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
