He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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