i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize