Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
