I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
