college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
