Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
