She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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