You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
