somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
