He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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