also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
