is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
