Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
