oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
