Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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