yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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