I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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