walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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