Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
