oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
