70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
