Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
