Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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