I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize