my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
