Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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