I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
